In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
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surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.