In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
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🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are