Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
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So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.