I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
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I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
The news
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.