Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
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People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
it must be school picture day
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.