my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
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The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
I hope it’s French Onion!
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Can’t, holding a grudge
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!