3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
You Might Also Like
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob