8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
You Might Also Like
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
When you’re Kinky but poor
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.