Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
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Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.