Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
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Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”