Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”

– Hipthter

Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.

Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.

When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.

FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.

Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.

How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?

Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.

I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.

After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.

NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.

“I’m so stoked!”

-An excited fireplace

You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,

my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated

Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough

I love books.

How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.

Except when I’m moving to a new place.

Then I hate books.

I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.

Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?

Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please

I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.

Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka

Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”

Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there

I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.

[performance review]

boss: what would you say is your biggest strength

me: i’m consistent

boss: but you’re late every morning

me: ya

Batman

Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred

Cons: Robin

I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.

I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.

God: You’ll be huge and fat

Blue Whale: Dang

God: Awful eyesight

Whale: Ugh

God: No predators- except other whales

Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-

God: Biggest junk on the planet

Whale: I’m in

I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’

In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.

Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?

I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream

God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.