Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
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This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
*orders delivery*
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*