Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
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reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.![]()
Travel bloggers during quarantine
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Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.