I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
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ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
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Password expired
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Password ex…
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”