I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
You Might Also Like
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.