Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
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Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.