“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
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*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.