My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
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I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”