Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
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Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Me recordaron éste meme