never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
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When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving