never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
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Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism