never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
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Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t