@cherryzigzags

Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying

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@Scigglez

GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”

@KateWhineHall

Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.

Scans first item.

Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”

@MohitSharmaSays

I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.

@JimmerThatisAll

If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.

@dreamthievin

A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.

@pixelatedboat

Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake

@Cain_Unable

I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.

@theshantilly

If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING

@Shanehasabeard

There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s

@robfee

Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.