Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
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When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Love is in the air fryer.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great