Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
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*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
If a snake ate a cake
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.