Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
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This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place