What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
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ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
Art by Pastelkatto
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
buying dead houseplants to save time
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.