Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
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Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.