Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
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Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
I have no passwords left in me
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…