Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
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Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off