Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
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I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
This is enough internet for the day.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?