I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
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I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”