I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
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PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”