It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
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Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
WWE is French for “yes”
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are