Canadian owl: Eh?
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Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
no such thing as a dumb question
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.