[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
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I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
This did not end as expected.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.