[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
You Might Also Like
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.