idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
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The Joker was right
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
I think this should do it.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?