Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
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“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?