Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
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*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
technically true but not a great slogan
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
How to draw a duck
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.