@ConcernedSirGuy Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
@UncleDuke1969 [Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
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@ConcernedSirGuy 
@CraigBanksArt Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
@Thuggedraccoon Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
@daemonic3 Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
@3sunzzz I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
@amburgklur Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
@XplodingUnicorn My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
@WheelTod [At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
@MsLMG79 7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
@amandajpanda Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?