@UncleDuke1969

[Hoth Rebel Base]

Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe

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@CraigBanksArt

Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon

@Thuggedraccoon

Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?

Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?

@daemonic3

Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me

– Kanye West warming up

@3sunzzz

I get into bed.

Husband is already asleep.

I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.

Marriage is fun.

@amburgklur

Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.

@XplodingUnicorn

My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move

@WheelTod

[At the coroners’ to identify a body]

Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”

@MsLMG79

7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.

@amandajpanda

Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?