Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
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The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY