Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
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A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.