Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.

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I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.


Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…


Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?


I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol


5 Stages of Pregnancy:

1: Crying

2: Peeing

3: Crying because you peed

4: Peeing because you’re crying

5: The toilet is your home now


I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”


He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.

She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.


My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone