When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
You Might Also Like
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
that’s really how it is
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
Before crowbars crows drank alone
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
This is the best one I’ve seen
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday