that’s really how it is
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“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
A Short Story.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*