The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
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Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?