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When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.