[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
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[at the general store]
me: one general please
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother