[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
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my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?