I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
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Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Eat…
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
how to exercise your calf muscles