Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
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My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.