Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
You Might Also Like
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
hey, alexa
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
I’d use my best pan on you.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.