Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
You Might Also Like
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.