No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
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Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.