Interviewer : What are your expectations?

Me : Job.

Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?

Me : Salary

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No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”

what is this, a family reunion?!


Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it


If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”


Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me


I’m not saying I’m an idiot…

But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.


Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”


I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.