@PettyRuxpin83 No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
@HaramiParindey Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
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@PettyRuxpin83 
@Merman_Melville Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
@bridger_w If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
@Reverend_Scott Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
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@AlexKaan47 Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
@AmishPornStar1 I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
@aimlessamers Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
@Imposter_Edits Motion detecting home security camera working well!
@Kyle_Lippert Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
@envydatropic I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.