Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
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I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?