Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
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[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
everyone’s a critic
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity