[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
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At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
This is my favorite one of these!