I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
You Might Also Like
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to