🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
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I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
I’m going to need a moment here.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
I saw this ending much differently.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.