BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
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Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end